Hayden and I recently had a conversation around how sometimes I feel like I am just following along behind him and the kids, holding the bags for them to put stuff in and take out other stuff they need. A constant place of watching on while they do. Do you ever feel like you have more to give than you have the space to do so? What things are you doing in life, and with your life in Christ that feel like there could possibly be more than what you're doing right now? #expectations #psalm37v4 #driftingthroughlife #moretogive #dreamagain #whosbagsareyoucarrying
Let's take a closer look at this.
Before I was a Mum, (here we go, I said I’d get to some of the Mum-stuff eventually!) I was slightly more independent. I had a job I liked and had a chance of progressing into a career. I didn't really ever carry a handbag anywhere, it felt like something my Mum or Nana would do, most definitely not me, and I felt free. Since having kids there is always a bag, usually a backpack when the kids were small, that carried around anything they were likely to need or want. And the more kids we had, the more backpacks we took with us. Gradually, Hayden began adding his things to those very backpacks as well, keys, phone, wallet, Bible, hat, jacket, drink bottle...
Oftentimes these bags have sat uncomfortably on my shoulders, half way down my arms and banging about my knees as I drag myself around doing life. But sometimes, these bags sit just as awkwardly and uncomfortably around me even in my daily life. They are there, even when they are not. Life can become burdensome at times, especially if we are carrying the weight of others stuff, or expectations, and not free to live the life that has been designed for us.
Has your bag become completely buried by the bags you're carrying for someone else that you no longer recognise it?
Do you ever feel like you're carrying the bags of those around you? Do the bags sit comfortably at the moment and are you happy to carry them? If this is so, I encourage you to keep going. This may be a season that you have been called to bear another up (remember in my post Pour It Out, I shared that we need to be prepared to bear others up in their times of need).
Sometimes we may be called to be someone else's armour bearer. It could be that we are in a place of training, and carrying the other's bag is us learning to use the right tools for the job. Learning to identify one tool from another. I guess a good picture is to think of yourself as the caddy on a golf course. A good caddy knows what's happening with the wind direction and speed, (now, I want you to go outside, lick your index finger and point it to the sky and see if you can tell which way the wind is blowing...) they know what par each hole is and know how to select the right club for the part of the course the golfer is on. They then help the golfer pick the right club for the job, taking into consideration all the other factors I just mentioned. Imagine what would happen if Tiger Woods went out to Augusta with a caddy that didn't understand that stuff? His game would be a mess and he would go home underpaid and a bit upset. How does a good caddy become a good caddy? I guess they learn by first learning to play the game, study each course and by carrying someone's golf clubs around for them (or if they're lucky they get to drive between holes on a golf buggy!) There's a process of learning to caddy which is just as important as learning to play the game. How many caddies though learn to play better golf by watching the golfer play? The way they swing the club, the way they prepare to tee off, how they putt.
Sometimes the steps we need to take to reach our dreams require us to serve those who are already walking in it, and not giving up.
But maybe you're carrying the bags of others and you feel like it's a bit heavy, or doesn't fit quite right. Maybe you're dragging them around and they're banging into your knees and you can no longer find your stuff. Has your bag become completely buried by the bags you're carrying for someone else that you no longer recognise it? If this is where you're at, I encourage you to stop and put all of that baggage down. Breathe. Big breath in, slow breath out. Now, take a good look at the bags at your feet and see if you can try to recognise the bag that belongs to you.
This is a moment to stop and take a look at what your bag may be holding. Do you have a dream that is stuffed inside that bag? Open it and see. I imagine a sleeping bag that has been stuffed inside a Kathmandu sleeping bag cover case. Those things are so tiny it's a wonder that a whole adult sized sleeping bag can fit in them! When you pull those sleeping bags out, they can be wrinkled and take a few minutes to puff out, a bit like our dreams that have been suppressed for so long we've forgotten we even had them. I remember when I was in primary school being asked what I wanted to be when I grew up. One of my initial thoughts was to be an author or a journalist. Someone who got to write things other people may be interested in reading. I wanted to publish a magazine or something of that sort. I have never done it, until recently. I have always journaled. Written down the things on my mind, or the important events that happened in my day, but those thoughts have only been captured for myself. I wonder if Anne Frank felt like her diary was full of thoughts that were for herself, not comprehending that within years of her death at Bergen-Belsen concentration camp near the end of WW2, people from around the world would be reading those thoughts as a way to comprehend and understand the madness that befell that time in history?
The Bible tells us that as we delight in the Lord, He will give us the desires of our hearts (Psalm 37:4). I am not sure how He can give us the desires of our hearts if we don't know what they are and then we spend our live aimlessly wandering around waiting for stuff to happen. Hayden once painted a picture that I absolutely loved, but he thought was boring and bland. It was all soft yellow on a canvas with a blob of either red or blue paint, kind of in the shape of a balloon on the righthand side of the canvas. We called it Drift. And at the bottom of the canvas, I think just in a light pencil, he wrote, "not many people set a course of action, they just..." Then up by the balloon he wrote the word "Drift". That has stayed with me throughout most of our married life.
So often we can get caught by the tide or caught in the rip that springs up in life because we haven't allowed ourselves to be defined and anchored by who God has called us to be in this place and time and we drift from one thing to the next, depending on what might feel good in the moment or by what others ask of us to do, or expect from us. If this is you I would encourage you to stop for a moment and seek out God's plan for your life. Take a moment and sit with Him, your Maker, Creator and ask Him how He would like you to be in this moment. You may be surprised by the answer, I know I was when the thought of writing a column or blog or post came up, but God is faithful and just and will lead us into the promises He has for us. He is patient with us too. When we are just starting to put our little toe in the water to test it, He will hold your hand and guide you and He will catch you if you fall.
Lastly, persevere. Keep on praying. Keep on dreaming. Keep learning. Write the dream down. Find ways to serve those who are doing the things you want to be doing. Sometimes the steps we need to take to reach our dreams require us to serve those who are already walking in it, and not giving up.
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